thank God life’s not fair

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Started with a cough, but now my head gets dizzy sometimes too. And the cough’s gotten worse. Robitussin ain’t helping too much. I hope it’s not a flu of any kind. I don’t feel like taking any days off, but I also don’t feel like getting my colleagues sick.

Weekend’s been pretty good so far, aside from being sick. Awakened my inner child at an indoor amusement park on Friday. But then after dinner realized that it’s time for me to make a decision as to the type of person I’m going to be. Time to man up.

While driving home from dinner, I started to realize that for some time now, I’ve been flirting with the line between being a true Christ follower and being someone who just shows up at church on Sunday (or Saturday, as the case may be). It’s rather like what C.S. Lewis wrote about in Mere Christianity when he discussed the worldly Christian who considers himself more “sophisticated” than his Christian friends, yet rests in the thought that unlike his heathen friends, he has a place in Heaven. I was convicted by that when I read it about two years ago, and I’m still kind of in that rut. I certainly enjoy hanging out with friends from church and such, but I still find myself subscribing to the world’s perspective on having fun (i.e., bars, clubs, lounges, etc.). And the funny thing is, even though I’ll go to these places, I never really have a good time. In fact, I don’t know why I even keep going.

True, I haven’t really done anything that compromises my values, but I sense that deep inside, there has been a real willingness to do so, given the chance. And Jesus said that whatever evil desire you have inwardly, you’ve already committed that sin. So I’m definitely guilty on all counts there. And if I don’t turn around, thoughts will translate into actions, and those actions will make me into someone I now realize I never want to be.

I can think of two main ways men can interact with women. Men can either focus on having a good time with them, or treat them as friends (or, of course, ignore them). Certainly there are rewards for both approaches, but Friday night taught me that the rewards for the second approach are much better. It also taught me that until I make that Rubicon decision to act and think and live rightly, I’m lacking power and authority, and I’m a wimp. Until I man up, I can’t speak up when I don’t like what’s going on.

I’ve decided to make a change. I will no longer be lenient on myself regarding sin, whether in thought or action. I’ll no longer let fear of making it awkward or looking stupid or anything stop me from speaking up against what I know is wrong. If I don’t like what’s going on, I will do something about it, so help me God.

It’s gotten too hard trying to stand without a backbone. By the power of the Holy Spirit, I’ll grow one.

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